I have had a less than stellar week. Less than Stellar makes it sound like Mary Poppins, when in reality, we were not dealing with Mary Poppins at all, but the Wicked Witch of the West. For Reals. I could tell things were spiraling down hill as I am saying in my loudest voice possible, "Sam! We don't solve our problems by yelling." That was brilliant.
But, it all came to a screeching climax last night. It just so happened that Ally had a Basketball game and the LOVELIEST version of me was in attendance. I tried to politely make conversation with my Saint of a friend that was sitting next to me, because nothing on the court was improving my mood. However, the conversation had to come to an end because my occasional yelling outbursts were upsetting her baby (sweetest baby ever) and he would cry every time I raised my voice. So I tried not to raise my voice (remember...we don't solve problems by yelling) and think happy thoughts. It didn't work.
The minute the van door was closed and we were alone, it all came gushing forth. "Ally, do you really think they are going to pass you the ball when you stand in one place and don't move? They're not." "Do think it is cool to fake like your ankle hurts and limp? It's not." "Is it really necessary to scream/screech every time your teammate makes a basket? It's not..............."
By the time every kid was tucked into bed that night, the climax had ended and I was left with....what is always left. YUCK. Did I really just yell at my kid for doing bad in a basketball game.....I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT BASKETBALL! In fact, basketball bugs me A LOT. Did I really just tell her that nobody is going to pass her the ball? When in fact it was me whose father said, and I quote, "Kathryn, you really shouldn't play basketball, you are embarrassing the family name." All I ever wanted was good kids who made good choices, (tears), and now I have ruined their self esteem (more tears) I am a horrible mother (weeping).....Can you see where this is headed?
I finally knelt down and said one long prayer with lots of "please forgive me and help me to be betters." As I climbed into bed, a scene flashed through my mind.
I believe I was in college, and I was talking to a great friend. We were discussing religion. I was asking him about his beliefs on the Godhead and somehow we ended up on this question. I said, "So what do you think happened in the Garden of Gethsemane?" And as we climbed into the pick up truck, he looked at me and said, "What is the Garden of Gethsemane? I have no idea what you are talking about."
Sometimes I ask myself, "What if the phrase "Garden of Gethsemane" was removed from my vocabulary? Just how would my life be different? On days like today, I find the answer! EVERYTHING would be different. Without it, there is no hope, there is only regret. There is no forgiveness, only guilt. There is no happiness, only YUCK!
Tonight, I go to bed Grateful. Grateful that my life is not different, I know about the Garden, the Garden of Gethsemane.
