I knew it, but now I get it.

So I was reading Jane Eyre last night...it has only been on my reading list for approximately a decade...and I have started it five different times, but this time I am going to finish.  The first chapter has always been a bit much for me to take, a little girl being beaten by a boy, with no adult to protect, that is a dark place for me.

But last night, in chapter 4 (yes!  I am in chapter 4!) something clicked for me in a way that made me TOTALLY UNDERSTAND!  Jane, receives news that she finally gets to leave the prison she has had to call home, and has just a few minutes in which to express her TRUE feelings to her awful aunt.  So she does, with great clarity, emotion, and biting sharpness, she delivers a well deserved rebuke!  And then, minutes later, In her own words.....

"when half an hour's silence and reflection had shown me the madness of my conduct, and dreariness of my hated and hating position.
Something of vengeance I had tasted for the first time; as aromatic as wine it seemed, on swallowing, warm and racy; it's after-flavor, metallic and corroding, gave me a sensation as if I had been poisoned."

It was at this point that a scripture immediately came to the forefront of my mind...."not that which goeth into the mouth defileth but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man."......I thought I knew what that meant, but now I got it!  I really GOT IT!

Because I've been there......the quick beautifully crafted response, the fleeting victory, and finally the realization that nobody's words can hurt me as badly as my own! 

Now onto Chapter 5!  

So....I've Been Thinking 2/17/13

This week we were sitting down at the dinner table when out of the complete blue Sam says, "Mom, I just don't get it, why couldn't we come to earth if Adam and Eve didn't eat the fruit."  It took a small second for me to register what he was saying, because two seconds prior to this, we were talking basketball, homework, and the bully on the playground.

Before I could even form a response in my head, I blurted out, "What do you think Sam?"  To which Ally started quoting scriptures and singing Primary songs, and before I knew it, the question had been answered, with absolutely no assistance from your truly :)  It seems to me that these kids were pre-wired.  They know more than me, they are more eager than I ever was, and they are GOOD!  I love being a mom!

I NEVER thought I would enjoy being a part of the Relief Society as much as I do right now.  When I was in Young Women's and we were tying quilts while the boys were rafting rivers, I LONGED for the river!  I never thought that 3 hour long conversations about morning routines and deviled eggs would capture my attention.  And yet, it does, as it did last week.

I am honestly surrounded by some of the BEST WOMEN this entire world has to offer.  Some are old, some are young, some are my age, it really doesn't matter.  Some are single, some divorced, some married with a million kids like me, it really doesn't matter.  When I am with them, I feel like I have the support group of 10,000!  The Lord has blessed me in so many ways, just by being part of a Relief Society.

Last General Conference Elder Ballard asked us to start each day with a simple prayer.....to know how we could help someone feel Heavenly Father's love for them each day.  I have been doing this, and the PRAYER is answered EVERY DAY!  It is pretty cool.

On Friday, Jared and I went on a walk (ALL ALONE, it was heaven for one hour).  The weather was BEAUTIFUL, consequently, my little friend ARDEN (when I say little, I mean LITTLE, she is more than twice as old as me, and comes to my waist :) was sitting on her front porch.  We stopped by and began talking.

It was clear to me that something was bothering her...When I probe, she usually responds, And I like to Probe :)  She was mad at George (her late husband), he had left her all alone to take care of a 100 year old house, with 40 year old shutters, and a wood awning that was in desperate need of replacement.   My prayer had been answered :)  I have a very able husband who is always willing :)  When we left Arden said, "You have no idea how glad I am that you decided to take a walk today and I decided to sit on my porch!

Life is good!  Excited to see what the next week holds!

And Just How Would My Life Be Different?

I have had a less than stellar week.  Less than Stellar makes it sound like Mary Poppins, when in reality, we were not dealing with Mary Poppins at all, but the Wicked Witch of the West.  For Reals.  I could tell things were spiraling down hill as I am saying in my loudest voice possible, "Sam!  We don't solve our problems by yelling."  That was brilliant.

But, it all came to a screeching climax last night.  It just so happened that Ally had a Basketball game and the LOVELIEST version of me was in attendance.  I tried to politely make conversation with my Saint of a friend that was sitting next to me, because nothing on the court was improving my mood.  However, the conversation had to come to an end because my occasional yelling outbursts were upsetting her baby (sweetest baby ever) and he would cry every time I raised my voice.  So I tried not to raise my voice (remember...we don't solve problems by yelling) and think happy thoughts.  It didn't work.

The minute the van door was closed and we were alone, it all came gushing forth.  "Ally, do you really think they are going to pass you the ball when you stand in one place and don't move? They're not."  "Do think it is cool to fake like your ankle hurts and limp?  It's not."  "Is it really necessary to scream/screech every time your teammate makes a basket?  It's not..............."

By the time every kid was tucked into bed that night, the climax had ended and I was left with....what is always left.  YUCK.  Did I really just yell at my kid for doing bad in a basketball game.....I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT BASKETBALL!  In fact, basketball bugs me A LOT.  Did I really just tell her that nobody is going to pass her the ball?  When in fact it was me whose father said, and I quote, "Kathryn, you really shouldn't play basketball, you are embarrassing the family name."  All I ever wanted was good kids who made good choices, (tears), and now I have ruined their self esteem (more tears) I am a horrible mother (weeping).....Can you see where this is headed?

I finally knelt down and said one long prayer with lots of  "please forgive me and help me to be betters."  As I climbed into bed, a scene flashed through my mind.

I believe I was in college, and I was talking to a great friend.  We were discussing religion.  I was asking him about his beliefs on the Godhead and somehow we ended up on this question.  I said, "So what do you think happened in the Garden of Gethsemane?"  And as we climbed into the pick up truck, he looked at me and said, "What is the Garden of Gethsemane?   I have no idea what you are talking about."

Sometimes I ask myself, "What if the phrase "Garden of Gethsemane" was removed from my vocabulary?  Just how would my life be different?  On days like today, I find the answer!  EVERYTHING would be different.  Without it, there is no hope, there is only regret.  There is no forgiveness, only guilt.  There is no happiness, only YUCK!

Tonight, I go to bed Grateful.  Grateful that my life is not different, I know about the Garden, the Garden of Gethsemane.    

Red Letter Days!

Last Friday the Bolton Clan piled into our van a midst bags and bags of hand-me-down clothes and coolers full of food.  We were headed for Clifton, ID-home of my oldest sister, JoDee and her family....returning late Sunday night without the bags and empty coolers.

During our quick visit we had time for a shopping trip to IKEA (yeah!), a varsity basketball game (starring Freshman Addie), a broken ankle (praying for Shane), a THROWDOWN (Seattle Style), a horrific snowstorm, and lots of cousin bonding.

The main event, however, took place Sunday morning, when as a very large family, we made our way to church to hear JD (the oldest grandson, and the first out of three Joseph's) talk before leaving for his mission as ELDER COOK to the WASHINGTON, SEATTLE mission!

That short hour, sitting in the chapel pews, surrounded by family and taking the sacrament, was transformative for me.

From the moment the opening hymn began, my heart seemed to explode.  PRAISE TO THE MAN WHO COMMUNED WITH JEHOVAH...millions shall know brother Joseph again.  It was as if I could see the big picture for just a brief second.  I could feel the URGENCY of the CAUSE, the ABSOLUTE TRUTHFULNESS of the message, and the KNOWLEDGE that I, JD, and everyone in our family had a part to play in this final war of wars.

JD's thoughts sunk deep into my heart, a message of love, that is how Christ will fight His Battle.  I always tell Jared that the difference between a Pre-Elder and a Post-Elder is the ability to speak.  The farewell is filled with "um's" and "so's".  The return is filled with testimony.

Not so with JD.  We were taught.  As he sat down, I couldn't help but marvel at the job that JoDee and LaWrell have done in creating a life where the Gospel Governs.  I was proud and hopeful that one day soon we would be singing Praise to the Man with an even bigger family, and stronger testimonies, right here in little Overton.

So JD, in parting, Grandpa would like you to know...."Obedience and hard work, the rest is just rhetoric!"

The Bolton's Love You!

Of Death and Christmas Trees

Dear Emi,

Every morning, between the hours of 4 and 6 a.m. I wander into my living room, find my favorite chair, and say my morning prayers.  Then I quietly squeeze myself into a little place between my chair and my Christmas tree.  After turning on the tree lights, and gathering my scriptures...I settle in for an hour of pure delight as I pour over my scriptures and solve all the world's problems.

This is the time when my tree looks the prettiest.  When the rest of the house is dark, you cannot tell that Daniel has taken every single ornament and broken them, or that Joe has successfully rearranged the ornaments so that they all hang from one single branch, or that Gary was using a launching system to successfully land all of his toy cars into the tree.....NO, all you can really see is the lights, they overshadow every imperfection.  How fitting, that yesterday I found that the only thing to overshadow a sense of deep gloom and fear, was a light, THE LIGHT OF THE WORLD.

A wonderful lady in my ward taught me a lesson that has tutored me for the last several years.  She told me that every time I begin to worry, my first reaction should be to pray.  So it has been, and so it was yesterday when I heard of the shootings  that killed 20 little children, yes the same ages as my kids..and don't kid yourself.....when I looked at the pictures, all I could really see was "What if's." What if those were pictures of my children?  Until it almost completely overwhelmed me, and then I knelt down.

During Family Scripture Study last night, we read a very fitting verse.....Alma, seeing the wickedness of the people begins to be overcome with the darkness that surrounds him, until, he finally cries out, "O Lord, my heart is exceedingly sorrowful;  wilt thou comfort my soul in Christ.  O Lord, wilt thou grant unto me that I may have strength that I may suffer with patience these afflictions which shall come upon me because of the iniquity of this people."  It is like C.S. Lewis wrote, "When you know you are sick, you will listen to the doctor."  There is only one Doctor who can cure something like this.  There is only one Light who can hide so many eyesores and provide happiness when, happiness does not ever seem possible again.

Our kids have been sick, which yesterday found us at the doctor.  While waiting for the test results, I found myself asking my Dr., who came from the middle east, if he was a Christian, if he would be celebrating Christmas.   He said to me, "I will be celebrating, but I am Hindu ..you know, we believe in Christ...as a great prophet."  He told me of how he had decided to become a doctor because of his desire to serve his fellow man....he learned that from studying about Jesus he said..  To which I said, "we believe Jesus is so much more than a prophet."  He looked at me and said,  "Yes, you believe He is the Son of God."  To which I said, "And more importantly, Our SAVIOR."

Emi,  Turn the lights on, look at everything through the lens of the LIGHT OF THE WORLD, and suddenly, everything will look bearable.

Love, Grandma

P.S.  A verse to Away in A Manger seems awfully fitting at the moment...Be near me Lord Jesus, I ask thee to stay, close by me forever, and love me I pray....Bless all the dear children in Thy tender care, and Fit us for heaven to live with Thee there.  

NOT EVER

Dear Emi,

I have been going through a great PERSONAL CHECK these last several days.....It all started with a scripture, and a conversation, and then a talk, and then an all consuming I COULDN'T GET IT OFF MY MIND kind of thing.

The scripture:  Alma 26:31 (speaking of the strength of the newly converted Lamanites)  "Now behold, we can look forth and see the fruits of our labors....yea and we can witness of their sincerity, because of their LOVE TOWARDS THEIR BRETHREN AND ALSO TOWARDS US."  In simple terms, we know they have a testimony because of how they treat other people.  Moroni 7:3-4 says the same thing.

The conversation:  My friend explained to me of an incident where an outsider to our faith witnessed a fight amongst our members, after the fight (which should have been simple public discourse) she approached one of the ladies and asked, "Aren't these people, of your faith?"

The Talk:  Elder Holland recently gave a talk which stated: A few years ago a young friend of mine—a returned missionary—was on one of the college basketball teams in Utah. He was a great young man and a very good ballplayer, but he wasn’t playing as much as he hoped he would. His particular talents and skills weren’t exactly what that team needed at that stage of its development or his. That happens in athletics. So, with the full support and best wishes of his coaches and his teammates, my young friend transferred to another school where he hoped he might contribute a little more.

As fate would have it, things clicked at the new school, and my friend soon became a starter. And wouldn’t you know it—the schedule (determined years before these events transpired) had this young man returning to play against his former team in Salt Lake City's then-named Delta Center.

What happened in that game has bothered me to this day, and I am seizing this unusual moment to get it off my chest. The vitriolic abuse that poured out of the stands on this young man’s head that night—a Latter-day Saint, returned missionary, newlywed who paid his tithing, served in the elder’s quorum, gave charitable service to the youth in his community, and waited excitedly for a new baby coming to him and his wife—what was said and done and showered upon him that night, and on his wife and their families, should not have been experienced by any human being anywhere anytime, whatever his sport, whatever his university, or whatever his personal decisions had been about either of them.

But here is the worst part. The coach of this visiting team, something of a legend in the profession, turned to him after a spectacular game and said: “What is going onEm here? You are the hometown boy who has made good. These are your people. These are your friends.” But worst of all, he then said in total bewilderment, “Aren’t most of these people members of your church?”...

 The day after that game, when there was some public reckoning and a call to repentance over the incident, one young man said, in effect: “Listen. We are talking about basketball here, not Sunday School. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. We pay good money to see these games. We can act the way we want. We check our religion at the door.”

“ We check our religion at the door ”? Lesson number one for the establishment of Zion in the 21st century: You never “check your religion at the door.” Not ever.

Emi, do you see how this is all coming together.  The last few days I have feverishly been searching my mind with this question:  Is there any cause that I put above that of Christianity?  Is there ever a time where I justify myself in being unkind, because, "IT IS THAT IMPORTANT AND SOMETHING HAS TO BE DONE?"

Emi, you NEVER check your religion at the door!  Not Ever!

Love, your contemplative Grandma

P.S.  Grandpa Foster always wanted "The Lord Never Wondered Which Side I Was On" written on his headstone.....I am wondering how many people wonder where I am at because of how I treat them.

The Day After....

Dear Emi,

The last call I took last night was from JD...(your first cousin once removed, which sounds so distant within a loving family, from now on, he is just your cousin)...."Aunt Kathy, Ohio is lost."  To which I replied, "then it is over."  And it was.  The election has been decided, and my mind had to come to grips with it also.  It started that process the minute that I was on the phone.  JD, was recently called to serve a two-year mission for our church to Seattle, Washington, our conversation ended with this, "JD, this just makes the next two years of your life all the more important."  He now begins the work of opening eyes to a nation that seems to be gradually closing their eyes to the word and love of God.  And I am not simply speaking of just the Presidential decision we made yesterday, there were many things on the ballot, and ALL OF THEM involved God.

Strangely enough, I went to bed with a feeling of incredible peace, hope, and an increasing resolve to wake up in the morning and not WASTE ONE MOMENT of time within my own circle of influence.

Although we may have been blinded to it, this election was largely about the issue of personal accountability. And as I have listened to the battle of this issue unfold over the airwaves, I have learned a couple of things.  Satan is a master craftsman of words.....but he can never "craft" feelings.  PEACE is a gift from God, which is given when we obey His word.  There will be hardships that my family will face because of the practices of politicians, but we will be okay.  No amount of policies, government officials, checks, or reassuring words, can soothe a trouble conscience in the the middle of the night.

This morning I woke up and took a walk with your Uncle Daniel and Joey!  Joe is funny, he will ride his bike to the corner, briefly stop and say "Mom, LOOK, a SIGN STOP!"  Then with very little regard to its meaning, he will ride on.  It reminds me of a story from Elder Bednar.  On September 12th, 2001, he had a meeting with President Hinckley.  The Prophet walked into the room and said, "Brethren, we live in troubled times....Now let's get to work!"  So, in the Spirit of Joey and President Hinckley, we can recognize this for what it is, but now it is time to get to work!

Emi, none of this is a surprise to the Lord.  

Love, your hopeful Grandma

P.S.  President Monson said, and I agree, "The future is as bright as your faith!"